'My banner will be clear'

I once heard someone say, “some lessons are hard to learn, but some are hard to teach. But when the message is received it all becomes worth it.”

I imagine it’s hard for our Heavenly Father to watch His children struggle as He is trying to teach us a lesson. I imagine He weeps as we turn away from Him, and when we begin to lose trust in His plan. I imagine sometimes it’s just as hard for Him as it is for us. The lessons we need to learn are probably the hardest to learn, but for Him I imagine they also hard to teach. But He knows the struggle is just temporary and that all we will learn and how we will grow will make it all worth it.

Two months ago was the very start of my very own struggle, one that taught me a very worthwhile lesson.

“Going home?” the man in the suit said.
“Yes,” I said as I push my bag through the security checkpoint in the Fort Lauderdale airport.
I said yes knowing exactly what he was thinking. Not a year and a half I thought, four days.
He knew who or what I was by my black nametag. The tag I wore to tell the world that I was representative of Jesus Christ. Ouch...my heart shank. This was not the homecoming I expected. It wasn't supposed to be like this I thought.

The memory of that conversation rings through my head everyday. And everyday I am confused about why this happened.

My first couple of weeks home were a constant battle with myself about the person I thought I should be, could be, and want to be. My thoughts were completely me centered. ‘What was I to do, what was best for me, why did this happen to me, where do I go from here, and why wont He give me any answers?

My life became a cycle of praying, hoping, hurting, receiving no answers, giving up, and then trying again. I started to become angry. I was angry with myself, I was angry with the Lord, and I was angry with anyone who wanted to talk about any of it.

I began to look at the people who had given up on the Lord, who had lost faith, and I understood. In my mind all I could think was ‘I tried to serve, it didn’t work out, and now I am completely alone.’ I looked at the people who gave up and I understood.

I wanted to give up but there was something that just wouldn’t let me. That something was my little seed of faith. My poor little seed of shrinking faith. I knew I wasn’t going to abandoned that seed, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted, so I hung on to it for dear life.

I did everything I could do; talked to everyone I could, leaned on the Savior, and begged for an answer. I begged to know why me, what do I do next, and what will be best for me. I began to get answers this time, but every time it was a different one. I grew tired of contradicting feelings and emotions and so I decided to decide. I decided to not go back out, that it was the end of that. I tried my best and I was hurt, and I didn’t want to put myself back through that.

When I made my decision I felt a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but not in the good way. It was kind of the ‘even if I did make the wrong decision at least I didn’t have to live in fear anymore’ kind of feeling. I was relieved because I didn’t have to worry anymore. I didn’t have to tell anyone ‘I don’t know’ when they asked what I was going to do next. I felt kind of free. Selfishly free.

A few nights later, after the ‘big’ decision had been made I found myself lying in bed, completely exhausted but unable to let myself fall asleep. I found my mind wandering off to my four days in Florida. I thought about each person I had met and taught. I wondered about their progress. I hoped they had gone through with their baptisms. I wondered if people I cared so much about so quickly were being taught and cared for. I wondered and wondered and my heart ached to know the answers to my questions. My heart ached to know them better. I wished to be there to see them turn their hearts to the Lord, something I, myself was struggling to do.

My mind wandered off to the recent tragedies our world has been forced to deal with- bombings, shootings, missing children, aching hearts. I thought about how lucky I am to know that there is more. That I knew there was hope because of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

And at 3am that Friday morning it hit me, I had become the most selfish person in the world. My questions, desires, and frustrations were completely ME centered. I had forgotten the most important lesson I learned in the MTC- “That I needed to get over myself, this mission wasn’t about me. It was about Him and the people.” (Elder Bednar)

That night I shared a very special moment with the Savior. I finally felt peace and I understood the lesson. It was a hard lesson but it was worth it. I felt that through the Holy Ghost He said to me- “Yes, Miranda, I’ve been trying to remind you of this the whole time, you already knew what you needed to do, you just needed a reminder of why.”

In that moment and with that realization I felt a little piece of myself come back. A piece that I was hiding and too scared to face. A part of me that was too scared to trust the Lord. And that was more freeing than choosing to give up, than choosing to be selfish. Henry B. Erying said, “We need to develop enough trust in God and His servants that we will go out and obey His counsel. He wants that because He loves us and wants our happiness. And He knows how a lack of trust in Him brings sadness.”

It’s in these moments of realization that I remember my promise to be more like Nephi. I have always admired Nephi, especially in 2 Nephi chapter 4. I think many can agree that Nephi is a great Book of Mormon hero. In the MTC my appreciation and love for Nephi grew. Consider the things we can learn from Nephi. Consider his great faith through trial and afflictions. Even his own brothers turned against him. Nephi always prayed to know, he put complete trust in the Lord, he loved his brothers, he did not judge his brothers, and he did not complain. But this great Son of God, after all he had done called himself a wretched man. He then goes on to declare that He will put trust in the Lord forever. “O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm if the flesh.” (2 Nephi 4:34) Henry B. Eyring said this of Nephi, “Faith did not come in the moment when Nephi needed it, nor did Gods trust in Nephi. He earned that great faith and Gods confidence by courageous and sustained labor in the Lords service.”

Like I said earlier, I come back to that moment in the airport often. I think about our most important homecoming, our homecoming to the Savior and our Father in heaven. I think about how we will feel when we see Christ, will we feel adequate? Will we feel that we have done enough for Him?

But what I learned this past week is that it isn’t my homecoming that I get excited for, it is the homecoming of those who through me the Holy Ghost has brought to Christ. A homecoming they can be proud of.

Henry B Eyring said, “You are under covenant to go to a spiritually wounded child of God. You are responsible to be brave enough and bold enough not to turn away.”

I don’t know why I am home right now, or exactly what I am to be doing as I wait to go back out, but I know that the list things I have learned since January 16, 2013 is endless. But most importantly I have learned that this isn’t about me. It’s about Christ and His people; His people are willing and ready to hear His message. I know that this trial isn’t about me. It’s simply the Lord preparing me to teach people who need Him.

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The dye has been cast! I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made; I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I wont look back, let up, slow down, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tainted visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need pre-eminence, positions, promotions, plaudits or popularity. I now live by faith and lean on His presence, walk with patience, am lifted up by prayer, and labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, and my goal is heaven. My road is narrow, my way is rough my companions are few, my guide is reliable, my mission is clear! I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, divided or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I wont give up, shut up, or let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, and paid up of the cause of Christ. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till I know, and work till He stops me. And when He returns for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear.

Henry B. Eyring.